Hallelujah!

Well folks, today I surprised myself. Today’s film is…well…it’s so universally reviled, so notoriously crappy, that I’ve been avoiding watching it for a long, long time. Oh, what a fool I have been…

some of these deaths were animals...but they were really big animals.

Yes, as I’m sure you’re realized by now, our film in question this afternoon is the 1976 drive-in classic “The Food of the Gods”, based on the H.G. Wells tale of the same name. Let’s save all the nasty sarcasm (or as I call it “charming wit”), and meet the first of our characters.

heavy coat and knit hat weather? fuck yeah, dude, let's lose the ragtop.

So to begin…wait…wait one god damned minute….don’t I recognize that sassy ginger gentleman on the right!? Haven’t I seen him somewhere before? Was he that guy who spit in my milkshake last summer? No, that couldn’t be…Maybe the guy who came over and fixed my cable the other week? No, that doesn’t make sense, either. It couldn’t be another movie, could it? I mean, we’re 5 minutes in, and already his acting is pretty bad. Wait, acting…that seems to be sparking something…why do I feel like this terrible actor is somehow the best actor to ever grace this universe?

savin' souls from the hooch, the devil's trickery, and giant overgrown farm animals...apparently.

HOLY CRAP! It’s Marjoe Gortner! For those of you who may not be aware, but feel as though you’ve already “googled” enough random crap today, Marjoe Gortner spent the majority of his childhood in the 1940’s and 1950’s being dragged around the traveling preacher tour circuit by his parents, billed as the world’s youngest ordained preacher. This kid even performed a marriage ceremony at the ripe ol’ age of 4. Pretty awesome, right? But why, you ask, would I refer to him as the most skilled thespian of all time? Because in 1972, he released a documentary simply titled “Marjoe”, in which he came out and said “oh hey, guys, I’m a con man”. Yup, he never believed a word of it, but thanks to good ol’ ma and pa, it seemed like the best way to make a living. After a while, either the guilt got to him, or he realized there’s even more money in looking like an asshole (the most awesome asshole ever), he made the documentary and left the preaching game. This guy is damn near my hero, but I was not aware of his illustrious venture into the world of crappy cinema.

but enough about my love of blasphemy...look at them there giant chickens!

OK man, chill out!! You got my attention back on track, I’ll stop talking about how badass I think Marjoe is. As you can see, this film deals with an isolated island where farm animals have grown to enormous sizes. It seems an old couple living out in the middle of nowhere have found a magical spring that spews thick, off-white liquid which apparently looked like it would make fantastic chicken feed.

because this is what everyone does when confronted with puddles of mysterious liquid on the ground

Well, chicken feed mixed with natures growth serum is one thing…but once the wasps and rats get into it, suddenly we’ve got ourselves a war. Besides the old couple and Marjoe and his pal, our other characters include a greedy investor who’s received word of the grow juice, and a winnebago filled with some moron and his lady friend (who happens to have a baby trapped inside her). Eventually, through a bunch of uninteresting plot twists, all of our characters end up on the old couples farm (a.k.a. ground fucking zero), fighting for there lives from…mice? for real?

greedy mcgee is just about to get his comeuppance

I know, right, that’s one well crafted puppet right there. You can almost see the life twinkling in his eyes…although that actually might be the cameraman’s reflection. Either way, in a rather unexpected turn, a hoard of giant rats become the main antagonist. This struck me as peculiar, as the giant wasps that appeared earlier seemed much more frightening, but who am I to argue with Marjoe, right? Anyway, those giant wasp special effects were pretty hard to watch, maybe we’ll get a couple of awesome giant rat shots.

I KNEW IT!

Woah! Those are real rats! Suddenly we’re getting some impressive split screen special effects! Also take note of the fact that Marjoe hates chimneys, as this will play into the plot later (note: no it won’t). Am I ruining anything by showing this picture? Because I feel like in order for you to sit through this film you need to know that the rats get to the roof later in the film. They’re so pissed, huge, and thirsty for human blood that they climb the damn house and start tearing apart the roof. As usual, I’m not trying to give TOO many spoilers, so I’m leaving out some big chunks…but I can’t hang up my jacket and unbutton my pants until I let you know one big time spoiler: the rats have a leader.

looked at him perched there. lazy jerk.

And suddenly, rats are not only blood hungry dickheads, they’re racist, too. I’m learning a lot of things about nature today!

Final Verdict: I clearly have a soft spot for creature features, because every instinct told me this would be terrible, yet I LOVED it. Maybe it’s because of my Marjoe respect, or maybe it was all of the “great” puppet work, but this one’s moving pretty high on my “favorite terrible movie” list. This is another one that can be found on Hulu, so I strongly urge all of you to take an hour and a half out of your life and enjoy some true schlock.

Stay Tuned!